January
The chill winds that blew through the country throughout 2009 continue to blow into the start of the new decade and having taken a hammering for their poor response to the flooding in November and then the ice of December, the government steps in to kick off the new-year in determined fashion. In an address to the nation, the Taoiseach tells everyone that making stews, soups and casseroles at least once a week is now compulsory for each Irish family after advisors inform him that this will provide a huge boost to the stock markets!
February
With the nation still depressed following the failure of the soccer team to qualify for the World Cup finals in Africa, the government plans to lift the spirits of the nation by making a late ‘cool runnings’ style entry to the Winter Olympics in Canada, The Irish Bobsleigh team is made up of the leaders of the four main banks who got in their practice by taking the entire country down one of the quickest slides ever. They agree to take the helm after being promised that they’d be safe from any crashes with a nice big pile of money for them to land on.
March
In March at last the ‘green shoots’ the politicians keep talking about seem to make an appearance when, in a show of global solidarity, some of the world’s leaders including the Taoiseach and President O’Bama appear on television wearing them on March 17th. This leads to great celebrations, flag waving, music and dancing on the streets, but the green shoots are drowned in the sea of celebrations and by evening they have wilted again.
April
In a desperate effort to raise more revenue the government announces another mini budget adding that it has sought the advice of some of the country’s airline chiefs to come up with new ways of raising the cash. The airline chiefs say they come into this post with no baggage. They soon announce that on the first Friday of every month there will now be a tax on each person who runs, breathes or pees. The new tax will be called the RIP OFF (Runs, Inhales, Pees On First Fridays) and the airline chiefs insist they will have the measures introduced on time and to a great fanfare.
May
After months of rain and frost and fog and wind and ice and, well generally bad weather, there are a few nice days in May but not without consequences. The strange sight of the sun in the sky leaves many bewildered and soon reports of strange phenomena abound. Doctors rush to warn against the danger of staring at the sun when some who had been staring at it claim to have seen signs of an economic recovery.
June
Full of remorse, Thierry Henry announces that he will not go to the World Cup with France but will instead spend the summer in Lough Derg seeking forgiveness from the Irish for his past misdeeds. Two days later he’s able to produce an ESB bill and Eircom phone bill in his name and he is promptly named at full forward for Donegal in the championship.
July
There are further bad signs for the Irish economy when, in a shock announcement, all of the psychic hotlines announce they will close. Shocked workers insist they didn’t see it coming. Meanwhile, fed up with the still ongoing attacks on public sector workers, teachers announce a nationwide protest and say none of them will work for the next two months.
August
That announcement really gets on the goat of the government and they hit back by saying they’re not going to work for a month or so either then. Na, na, na, na nah!
But they have to come back in for one half day because, following a legal challenge they are forced into an embarrassing u-turn on the new RIP OFF tax. In a clever piece of spin-doctoring the government insists that the plan was really just an April fool’s joke. “It was just supposed to be a bit of fun to get people talking. We knew that this was always a non-runner, airy-fairy, piss-take,” a government spokesman insisted.
September
There’s controversy in the GAA championship when Thierry Henry sets up a goal to clinch victory for Donegal over Cork in the all-Ireland semi-final with replays clearly showing he was inside the small square before he received the ball. Henry passes anyway to Michael Murphy who sticks the ball in the net. Donegal win and progress to the final. Prominent Cork people are seething with anger claiming the defenders or goalkeeper could do nothing in a situation like that. Henry manages to redeem himself to most of the country by the end of the month leading Donegal to victory over Dublin in the final. The result was a huge shock as Dublin had, for the 176th year in succession, been tipped as favourites by the national media to win Sam Maguire.
October
As the Ryder Cup gets started in Wales, rumours abound in Donegal that perhaps one of the top American golfers may be in the county sharpening up for the big event. Hundreds of golf fans turn up in the early hours of the morning outside one of the county’s most famous hotels but are disappointed when the only people spotted leaving are a bunch of waitresses.
November
As the year draws towards an end there is more shocking news when it is announced that another Bishop is to step down. A statement is issued as follows: “Having been aware of hundreds of episodes over a period of many years that have caused untold misery and suffering to many, Emily will no longer be in Coronation Street from the end of this month.”
December
The year ends with another innovative idea from the government anxious to reduce unemployment levels. On a trial basis politicians across the spectrum agree to have their expenses paid in 5c and 10c coins only and with thousands upon thousands to be paid out, 300 nephews of various politicians are taken off the dole queues to help count it in the ‘jobs for the boys programme.’
“It is only a trial basis and for now it only applies to politicians,” a spokesman said. “We might be able to extend this to bankers and top civil servants and other people who get huge expenses and that would bring thousands more off the dole queues. Yep, if this works, it could be all change in 2011,” he concluded.
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