Things I've learned today

Just because you can read, doesn’t mean you can cook.

This is especially true if by cook, you mean bake.

My television doesn’t pick up a good signal from my satellite when it is very wet and windy outside – even if I thump the tv several times.

Thumping a flat-screen tv is hard to do and is bad for the tv.

It is silly to consider replacing the satellite with a dustbin lid. The picture is certain to still be rubbish.

It doesn’t matter how fast you think you can pull your finger away – if you ‘quickly touch’ the iron to see if it is hot enough, it will still burn you.

If you wear a jumper over your shirt – you don’t need to iron your shirt.

When there is a bulb out, you will find every other kind of replacement bulb except for the one you need.

As soon as you replace a bulb, another one goes. Even if you use those useless dim energy-saving yokes.

The postman only ever brings bills.

Music sounds way better when you can turn it up as loud as you want.

But people who come to the door will hear you singing along at the top of your voice.

When you go to the door they will be more embarrassed that they heard you than you were.

Fitted sheets – you know the ones with the elastic on the corners – are not designed to be folded, unless perhaps by an octopus.

Some people have way too many tea towels and pillow cases.

Never decide to tidy a cupboard unless you are determined to see it all the way through to the end.

Tidying a cupboard only seems like a good idea until about half way through.

At that half-way point when everything is out of the cupboard, you want to run away and hide and pretend it wasn’t you who started this.

If you persevere and don’t just throw everything back, it always takes longer to tidy than you thought it would.

Procrastinating is a better idea than people think...