I used to think that instant meant, well, instant, but it would seem that’s not exactly the case, which is not just a great pity, but to be honest also a source of some frustration.
Let me explain.
Some time ago (a few years at this stage) I began taking lessons on how to play the guitar and discovered I was being asked to twist and turn my fingers into shapes that normal people just could not do on an everyday basis.
The lessons began after I had been bought a guitar as a present. It was a terrific present except there was just one problem. I couldn’t play the guitar.
But hey my family had thought of that as well, and inside the booklet that came with the guitar there was a voucher for eight guitar lessons.
I only discovered that though after what I had initially thought was the most fantastic invention ever because the booklet was entitled - ‘Instant Guitar.’
“What an invention,” I thought to myself, before I wondered how the scientists/authors behind it had managed to keep it such a secret.
Wow, a guitar and a book that meant I could play it instantly. My mind was racing ahead to the next party (we weren’t planning on having one but that was rapidly changing) when I would stun everyone present by my new-found musical mastery.
First instant mashed potatoes, now instant guitar. I rushed to put the kettle on and flipped the book around to read the instructions.
Dammit. What a misleading title. I soon discovered that I was gonna have to read and try to understand this book (they included a cd which they insisted would help) and with practice and patience I’d maybe be able to play something in a few weeks.
A few weeks! Now that is not what I’d call instant. In my mind I’d seen myself pouring hot water over the booklet in a bowl, making some kind of papier-mâché soup, adding some salt, grabbing a spoon and tucking in.
Ten minutes later I thought I’d be grabbing the guitar and playing a-la-Clapton.
The reality check was a little different.
I suspect my wife and kids had already sussed the fact that even if it was called ‘Instant Guitar,’ they should not expect miracles. With that in mind, guitar lessons looked like a fairly decent option.
Climbing the stairs to the room where the lessons were being held I pictured a room full of hot-shot rock ‘n’ roll kids who all had a basic idea of how to play the guitar sitting waiting for the fun to begin.
But even though there was a couple of youngsters in the class, by and large everyone was in the same boat as myself – they hadn’t a clue.
Not that there were any instant answers available from the teacher either. If it was easy, he said, everybody would be doing it, but he pointed out that if it was that hard, half the people we know who can play guitars, wouldn’t be playing them.
Then he showed us some chords warning that he had already over the years heard every excuse there could be for us not to be able to play them.
Fingers too fat, too thin, too long, too short.
Darn, I thought, I was gonna use some of those excuses.
Still, while I headed off from that first lesson with an idea on how to play some chords I also had a feeling that I might never master any of this.
At this point many (well okay, maybe not many but definitely me in the past) might have contemplated putting an end to the misery and placing an advert on ebay for ‘one guitar never really played,’ but armed with a certain innate stubbornness that this wasn’t going to beat me, I sat down to practice.
It didn’t even last ten minutes. I set about attempting to tune my guitar with all the dexterity of an elephant and I broke a string. Disaster had struck. How could I go to the next class with a string hanging off the guitar?
Google had the answer and even though I wasn’t all that sure I was doing this correctly, I set about the task of replacing the broken string using an idiot’s step-by-step guide.
To my surprise I actually managed to follow the instructions (I think the guy who wrote them should work for flat-pack furniture companies – or maybe even write titles for guitar manuals) and with a bit of practice under my belt I headed back for lesson two.
Since then I had a few more lessons, and have a few more chords under my belt.
But it didn’t take long to figure that this guitar-playing thing would be a very long drawn out thing that involves lots of practice.
I’ve discovered if you don’t do that, dust does tend to gather on the said instrument but I’m slightly alarmed at the fact that I can no longer say any more that I don’t have the time.
Which means that, unless I can think of a few other excuses I’ll have to shake the layer of dust off that guitar and make another shape of trying to learn how to play it.
Let’s face it folks, chances are I’ll have forgotten everything I learned by the time I pick it up again, but if I stick at it, you never know I might just master this guitar playing thingy eventually.
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